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Sunday, May 30, 2010

I’d kill for a little passion here

I’ve watched a change in you. I’ve watched a change in me. I’ve watched the world evolve, grow, wither, and die. I’ve watched a lifetime complete itself and revolve on itself and implode into itself. I’ve watched the change rattle and vibrate so deep within that the without shivered and shuttered violently. I’ve watched eyes turn red and heads fall, nails scratch, and fingers stiffen in twisted poses as hands pawed desperately to catch something- anything- in the pure nothing.

They say that even if you question being able to find something, just reaching out for something- anything- will yield results that only faith can provide. I’ve watched myself reach and clutch and grasp onto emptiness. I’ve yet to find anything.

I’d kill for a little passion here. I’d kill to feel passionate about anything. I’d kill to have that passion returned. At all.

I wouldn’t know what to do if…
I’ve never been faced with the situation if…
I have not been given instructions on how to handle if…

I’ve never been given a full chance to let me be known. It’s probably for the best. It’s probably all for nothing.

I’ve watched myself in the mirror. I’ve seen the changes in my skin. I’ve heard the disembodied screams and wails when the lights are out. I’ve felt the muscles twist, tighten, and contort. I’ve felt tenderness grow harsh. I’ve nurtured happy feelings and nursed the wounds that soon came to follow. I’ve turned away. I’ve given it away. I’m looking for a way.

I’ve witnessed beauty. I’ve yet to observe it here. I’ve witnessed love grow and develop and blossom into something bigger than the sum of its parts. I’ve yet to observe it here. I’ve witnessed faith in a higher presence, but I’ve yet to feel it here.

I can't say goodbye without looking away. I’m looking for a way.

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