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Sunday, May 30, 2010

Daniel Tosh

"When I was a kid, even my imaginary friend played with the kid across the street. I'd be, like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer!" That's a hate crime!"

You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"

"I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun."

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."

"We wonder why other countries hate us. We have a game show in our country called Survivor. It's a game in our country. We put people on an island, where people already live, to survive 30 days for a million dollars. Hello I have lived here for 30 years may I have a piece of bread? HAHA No this is a game to us."

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.' 
 
 

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